Out of Character
by GYRAX
Summary: A year after Naru and Keitaro's wedding, things were pretty much uneventful and just plain boring, until that incident with the Love Taffy. Sensless and parodic at best.


Note: I do not own Love Hina, or any other intellectual properties. They are all copyrights of their respectful owners. The rest, however, is MINE, BEE-YOTCHES!

This is basically what came out when I salvaged what was _Watcher's Block_; that fic wasn't working too well for me.

A year after Naru and Keitaro's wedding, things were pretty much uneventful and just plain boring, until that incident with the "Love Taffy".

* * *

Before I begin, let me provide a list of profiles for a whole new batch of characters. 

Rumiko Takamine: Age 17

Brown Hair down to her back with one short antenna; coke-bottle glasses over her green eyes; usually wears t-shirts with miniskirts. She first came to the Hinata House with her friends Fujiko and Lucy; she was missing a right arm. When Shinobu saw her condition, she let her and her friends inside and had Su make a prosthetic arm for her, except Su was a bit carried away. Needless to say, Rumiko got her robotic arm, all right, but it fires a laser beam and a salvo of micro-missiles. Easily impressed, she quickly made friends with Su. Unlike Su and Sarah, Rumiko is a bit crude and sarcastic, and she isn't afraid to speak her mind, no matter who's listening.

Fujiko Fujibayashi: Age 18

Short and ruffled jet-black hair; silver eyes; usually wears tank tops with denim skirts, with tight black shorts under her skirts to prevent panty shots. She came to Hinata with her friends Rumiko and Lucy, much closer to Lucy than Rumiko is. She carries around "Big Red", a red zanbatou, or giant horse-slaying sword, and usually likes to practice wielding it properly, which she hasn't yet because of its immense size. Her persona is sort of like Motoko a few years back.

Lucy (?): Age 18

Back-length blue hair usually tied in two ponytails that hang over her shoulders; purple eyes; wears dresses most of the time. She came to the Inn with Fujiko and Rumiko. She doesn't speak much and can be considered more introverted than most. She is only truly open with her best friend Fujiko. Because of paralysis from the waist down, she has to travel through a wheelchair, but because the dorm has no ramps for wheelchairs, she asks Fujiko to carry her around the place by giving her piggyback rides.

Megumi Hamasaki: Age 14

Shoulder-length green hair; one blue eye and one yellow eye; wears dresses or shirts with miniskirts. Like Shinobu back in the old days, she's a cute, innocent, and very kind girl, but before she lived at the dormitory, she was a professional assassin, an adolescent gun for hire. Not only is she good with firearms, but also is an accomplished martial artist, able to reflexively perform things that normal people wouldn't even hope to do. She didn't come to the Hinata House with Lucy, Fujiko, and Rumiko, however, but she came to the dorm later. One day, she assassinated the boss of a Yakuza gang; gang members eventually found out who did it and chased her around Japan. Once she eluded them, she found refuge at the dormitory, where she had to lie about her back-story to make sure no one knew about her career, or she would've been kicked out. She eventually retired and began to live the normal life she always wanted at the dorm.

Eiichiro Kishimoto: Age 19

Short dark-brown hair; blue eyes; features are reminiscent of an older Shinji Ikari; usually wears t-shirts with jeans, dresses up on formal occasions. Once upon a midsummer's day, he saved Keitaro's life from the rampage of a mad ice-cream truck driver named Sweet Tooth. To thank him, Keitaro passed down to him the secret to his immortality and the position as the new landlord while he and Naru went off excavating with Seta and Haruka. Some of the girls weren't exactly intent with him being the new landlord and Keitaro's replacement, given he's a little too serious and sometimes insecure. Thus, his job was made a living hell, and sometimes he thinks of "leaving that hopeless dormitory for dead", but occasionally he gets a phone call from Keitaro, who encourages him to keep trying, as well as a few uplifting words from Shinobu and some kindness courtesy of Megumi.

* * *

GYRAX Presents… 

_Watcher's Block_

Chapter 1: _The Taffy of Love_

_

* * *

_  
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Was the question Kitsune asked.

Kitsune, Su, Sarah, Ema, Fujiko, Lucy, and Megumi were sitting at the dining room table. Motoko was standing by a wall and Shinobu was tending to some housework.

"Eww! That's a toughie!" Su exclaimed.

"Do we have to answer that question?" Fujiko complained.

"Dammit! I'm bored and I want to talk to people! Just help me answer the question!"

Fujiko sighed. "Some family meeting. I thought you were supposed to be looking over the teahouse."

"It's a trick question." Sarah interjected. "A wood chuck can't chuck wood."

"The question is IF a woodchuck could chuck wood," Kitsune replied. "How much COULD it chuck?"

Megumi interrupted. "Where's Eiichiro-san?"

"In his room." Motoko answered. "A while ago, he declared that he would study for the Tokyo University entrance examinations even if his tutor was Satan himself."

"And then he made a remark about Rumiko." Kitsune added.

"You're steering away from the question." Sarah interjected again. "The question was how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

"Oh, yeah." Kitsune said. "The question."

"Well," Ema chimed in. "We could find out by analyzing its size and regular diet. Now, a woodchuck weighs two to four kilograms."

(O)

The manager's room was a mess of books. Eiichiro had his nose on a Math problem. He'd been trying to get the answer to this on his own for a staggering thirty minutes, now. "God! I hate Math! I used to be genius at Math, until 'Algebra' came along and ruined me completely."

Suddenly, the lid covering the ceiling moves over and Rumiko jumps down the hole to his room. She walks to him with her hands behind her back. "Still stuck on that same problem?" She taunted.

"Cut the crap!" He snapped back. "I thought you were supposed to be my tutor. What the hell were you doing this whole time, just hanging out in your room enjoying me make an ass of myself?"

"My God." Rumiko replied. "You're so whiny, Spike Spencer should play you." She sits next to him and takes her glasses off. "You know, you're so cute when you pout like that, just like Anakin Skywalker."

* * *

**Obi-Wan: You are to refrain from marrying Padmé; it is against the Jedi order.**

**Anakin: NO! No, no, no, no, NO!**

**

* * *

**"This is TOO routine." Eiichiro sighed. "I have a genuine problem and you're being sarcastic."

"I'm sorry." Rumiko replied. "Let me talk to the books, I'll whip them to shape."

"Alright, alright!" The new manager said. "I'll behave if you just stop playing around."

"Good boy." Rumiko smiled. "Now, let me help you with this problem. First off, what you did here is all wrong."

"Really?" He said.

"Of course." Rumiko replied. "Instead, you do this over here."

"Good, Lord. Why didn't I see that before?"

"You have a one track mind." Rumiko answered. "For instance, if I dialed a phone number and was asked to check the number and dial again, I'd check the number and dial again. You, on the other hand, would dial the exact same number, only a hell of a lot harder. It's not your fault; it's that girls' brains are more developed than boys' are. Statistics show."

"You don't have to berate me." Eiichiro grumbled.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to offend you, not completely."

As the two continued studying, Eiichiro realized that when Rumiko spoke to him, he could feel the heat of her breath. _My God! She's too close to me. After a month of tending to this harem hellhole, I didn't think I would be this close to any girls, let alone Rumiko._ Suddenly, he felt something hit his head with a lot of momentum. "Ouch!" He turns to see that Rumiko just flicked the side of his head.

"You weren't paying attention." The girl scolded him.

"Sorry." He replied apologetically.

(O)

A few minutes later, Motoko went upstairs to the second floor. Fujiko was following her with Lucy on her shoulders.

Rumiko went out of the manager's room, with Eiichiro behind her.

"Takamine." Motoko spoke. "How's Kishimoto?"

She smiles. "Absolutely hopeless! Luckily, I was there to help him out. By the way, where's everyone else?"

Fujiko sighed again. "They're calculating the height at which Mario can jump."

Kitsune shouted from downstairs. "At least we're advancing the scientific community!"

Rumiko almost laughed. "Good luck with winning the Nobel Prize in Physics for figuring out how many Koopa-Troopas Mario can jump over!"

(O)

After studying for shiken jigoku, or "exam hell", Eiichiro went into the hot springs, before that he put up a large sign in front of the door.

_A GUY currently occupies the bath. Please wait until I finish if you wish to bathe._

_With love and sincerity,_

_Eiichiro Kishimoto_

Unfortunately for him, the girls already bet him to it; so putting the sign up was a complete waste of time. "Oh, Hell no!"

The girls just looked at him funny.

"I thought I already told you that I was going to take a bath right after…"

**POW!** Before he had time to finish, Motoko's Rock Splitting Sword and a kick to the face by Fujiko already sent him into the air. Rumiko aimed her robotic right arm at him and fired a salvo of micro-missiles.

Eiichiro struggled to dodge all the missiles, until they all missed him. He looked down on Rumiko. "Hah! You missed me…"

**ZAP!** Her robotic arm fired a laser at him, frying him to a nice black crisp. Rumiko made a demonic grin with her face. "Didn't miss that time, bee-yotch!"

(O)

Still crispy from Rumiko's laser blast, Eiichiro went to the library to find some solace. Sometimes, to calm his nerves, he likes to read a _Harry Potter_ book. The well-designed and unique fantasy projected by J.K. Rowling can be a great method of escape from the real world, at least to him anyway; he often sees his reality as utter crap. He's been sent to orbit and fried so much he's already in the middle of the fifth _Harry Potter_ book.

Sitting next to him is an albino kid who looked like he was in his teens, with liquid paper white skin. His hair is bleached white and even more ruffled than Fujiko's, and his eyes are a frightening-looking blood red. He was wearing a buttoned white t-shirt with a red tie, as well as navy blue dress pants and brown dress shoes. The albino looked at Eiichiro and looked back at his book; he was reading Danielle Steel's _Impossible_.

The kid turns to Eiichiro again. "How's life treating you?"

"Don't ask." Eiichiro replied.

"Too late, I already did." A pause fills the area. The albino continues. "Having girl trouble?"

"That's none of your business." He snapped.

"I'll take that as a yes." The albino sighed. "I think I have a solution." He hands Eiichiro what looked like a piece of Starburst.

He looks at it funny. "A chewable candy will solve all my problems with being the landlord of an inn full of fanatical psychopath women?"

"Yay! I got my answer!" The Albino exclaimed, forgetting they're in a library.

Eiichiro looks at him funny, and then looks at the candy funny.

"What you hold there," the kid said. "It a special kind of taffy. Whoever consumes it becomes an instant chick magnet, or at least a magnet for chicks with weak minds. It's called 'Love Taffy'."

"Love Taffy? What kind of name is that?"

"I thought it was quite fitting." The albino replied. "After all, the main ingredient is an ancient love formula passed down to my family for generations."

Eiichiro unwraps it and sees that it's almost brick red. "Is it cherry flavored?"

"Not really." The albino said. "The flavor is Red Bordeaux. That's the flavor of romance."

"It's wine flavored?" He replied.

"Eat it." The kid said. "And see the wonders it can do you."

"As much as I like to, I can't." Eiichiro spoke. "I feel like if I took this, I would have cheated and manipulated the girls. I'm not sure if I would live with myself after I did something like that."

"In reality," the albino answered. "You may fantasize over women, but if you get near a real girl, you're afraid to touch her because you haven't been through something like that before."

Eiichiro took what he said into consideration. He remembered when he hesitated to pat Megumi's head when he was congratulating her on doing so well on a big test. He realized the kid had a point.

The albino, however, was losing his patience. He shoved the candy right into Eiichiro's mouth. "JUST EAT IT, LOSER!"

The landlord was forced to swallow it. He was spitting wildly to get the taste out. "Bleeeech! That tastes like Robitussin!"

The Albino ran for his life, but Eiichiro threw his Harry Potter book and nailed him right on the back of the head. Then he stormed out of the library.

"Some way to thank me for making your crap life better!" The albino shouted. He was then kicked out of the library.

(O)

Eiichiro walked back to the dormitory. There, Shinobu welcomed him. Her smile is a little bit of encouragement needed to live through a typical day at the Hinata House. Before he was landlord, he lived in an ambiguous environment, with overly nice parents and everything, but his days at the dormitory taught him to appreciate the kindness others show for him instead of take it for granted. He smiled.

Before he got to walk upstairs, he felt someone grab his right arm. He turned around to see Ema holding on to him… and tightly, too.

"What is it?" Eiichiro asked.

Ema's eyes gleamed, as she looked deeper into his. "Every time I look at you, you look more and more like Shinji Ikari. That's a compliment, by the way."

"Y-Yeah, so…" He already forgot about the taffy that weird albino kid shoved down his throat. As it finally got through his dense head, he freaked in his own mind._ Oh (bleep)! It already took effect!_ He struggled to escape Ema's grip, but it mysteriously became stronger. "Let me go!"

"Come oooooon." Ema pouted. "Come and pilot my Eva!"

"Ok, that didn't even sound right!"

"Dammit! You're too young!" Kitsune ran towards them. "I, on the other hand, am old enough to have my Eva piloted."

"Will you cut the crap?" Eiichiro released himself from Ema's kung fu grip.

"What's going on?" Shinobu came and looked at the manager. Suddenly, the taffy took effect on her, too. She already tried to stop a nosebleed, but failed. So, she went to try and kick out some nasty thoughts from her head by… giving herself another nosebleed, except a different kind. She walked up a wall and banged it on the wall relentlessly!

"Stop, Shinobu!" Eiichiro shouted. "You'll hurt yourself!" He knows it's his fault, or better yet, that evil taffy's fault.

Then, Fujiko came downstairs with Lucy on her shoulders, and Motoko was following her. Once Fujiko looked at the landlord, she instantly passed out, with Lucy on her back. Lucy also passed out.

"GOOD GOD!" Eiichiro cried out in shock.

Motoko quickly approached him. "Please, come to my room, Kishimoto. I can teach you a few things."

"You're no fun!" Kitsune said to herself. "I know! I can scam him out of his money and buy sake; then give it to him as a gift. I AM EL GENIUS-O!"

"Hey! I KNOW how to have fun without getting cirrhosis!" Motoko spat back.

"THAT'S IT! IT'S GO TIME, BEE-YOTCH!" Kitsune attacked Motoko and eventually Ema joined the catfight. Clothes began to tear apart, and Eiichiro couldn't take it. So, he dashed upstairs. He was on the second floor for only a second when Su and Sarah came chasing him around the halls.

Rumiko saw the chase and just shook her head. Then she went down the stairs and saw the catfight. "Good God!"

Shinobu was now smashing her face with a frying pan. Fujiko and Lucy, however, were still passed out. Suddenly, Kitsune, Motoko, and Ema stopped fighting and saw Rumiko at the bottom of the stairs.

"Can someone tell me what's going on, here?" Rumiko had her hands on her hips.

Kitsune grabbed her shirt. "Where's Eiichiro?"

"Cut it out!" Rumiko pounded her upside her head. Then, she walked upstairs to look for Eiichiro.

(O)

Speaking of Eiichiro, the manager was laying down on his futon, grateful that he eluded the entire harem. _What the hell am I going to do now?_ He tossed and turned in frustration. Granted, he wanted to have a girlfriend, but this was too much pressure for the poor guy. He wasn't sure how much more he could withstand before she snapped and went Robert Downey Jr. on someone's ass. He suddenly heard soft footsteps approaching him. He sat up and saw Megumi standing in front of him. Her face was red as a cherry blow-pop as she looked down on him, with sparkles all over her eyes.

"Eiichiro…" Steam escaped from Megumi's breath. The landlord stood up, but before he got to run, Megumi performed a sweep kick and tripped him, causing him to fall right back on his futon. She immediately positioned herself on top of him and drew her lips towards his.

_That ghost kid was right!_ Eiichiro thought. _I'm nowhere near ready for this!_ He knew that if anyone found out about this, he could be imprisoned or worse, blown to pieces by Rumiko. He attempted to stop her, now. "Megumi! Stop! Now!"

"I can't." The girl replied. "Not until you pilot my Eva."

"YOU, TOO?" He snapped.

Megumi's foot pressed play on his CD player. _Don't Say Goodnight (It's Time for Love)_ by the Isley Brothers was playing.

"I can't believe that I still have that in my boombox." Eiichiro said.

"Ever since I met you, my heart pounded and thoughts raced in my head, telling me 'Dayamn, what an ass'!" Her lips were drawing even closer.

"Stop and think about it, Megumi." Eiichiro begged. "You aren't yourself, right now. If you do this, you could hate yourself in the morning, or worse, you'd be called jailbait! (Since practically, that's what you are, right now.) Please, you don't want that on your record!"

"You're wrong." Megumi's breath was easily felt on the manager's face. "Nothing came come between us, now."

The door flew towards them, almost smashing them right there. Eiichiro got up and saw Rumiko putting up the scariest glare he's ever seen. "Rumi-Rumiko! I-I-I just!"

"Save it for the penitentiary!" Rumiko was ready to pound him, and…

"YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Megumi kicked her straight to the ionosphere. Then, Kitsune, Motoko, Ema, Su, and Sarah went to the room and caught sight of Eiichiro. Thus, the harem chased him throughout the house. He went downstairs to see that Fujiko and Lucy were STILL passed out. Then, he was chased to the kitchen, where he saw Shinobu smash a variety of chinaware on her face. He ran back to the lobby where he saw Rumiko. Despite what happened a minute earlier, he attempted to explain to her.

"Rumiko! Help!" He begged. "This kid shoved a piece of evil candy down my throat, and it had love potion in it, and everyone won't leave me alone!"

"Chewable candy packed with love potion?" Rumiko gave him a weird look. "You're enjoying it, aren't you?"

"SHUT-UP! No, I'm not! Help me!" Then, he noticed something about Rumiko that he should've seen instantly. "Hey, why aren't YOU affected?" At first, he was curious, and then he remembered what the albino said at the library.

What you hold there is a special kind of taffy. Whoever consumes it becomes an instant chick magnet, or at least a magnet for chicks with weak minds.

He turns to Rumiko. "You're strong, you know that?"

"Thanks." Rumiko replied. "Now, I'm getting you out of here!"

The harem eventually caught up to them, poised to steal Eiichiro away.

"There's no place to run, now." Kitsune grinned. Everyone chuckled evilly.

"I don't think so, bee-yotch!" Rumiko's robotic arm opened up and she shot a barrage of micro-missiles at them, giving Eiichiro and her enough time to run upstairs.

"I'm such an asshole!" Eiichiro cried out. "I'm sorry for being such a jerk! I really am sorry! I promise to be a better person! I'll take any punishment that you give me and I'll take full responsibility for my actions! I'll remember that every moment I get beaten up, I deserve it! I really, really deserve it! I'm sorry for being an ass to every one and overreacting when I do! I just don't want this to happen again!"

Rumiko could hardly believe what she heard come out of his mouth.

And the chase ensues well into the late evening.

(O)

Eventually, the harem passes out, and Rumiko and Eiichiro were standing on the roof.

The girl turns to him. "How is it that when you get into trouble, you drag everyone down with you?"

"Please don't hurt me!" Eiichiro begged as he closed his eyes tightly and prepared for a beating.

Rumiko came up to him with her fist ready. After her approach, she just lightly pounded him upside his head. "I'll let this slide, for now."

"Huh?" Eiichiro opened his eyes and saw her smirk.

"You admitted that you were a jerk, you knew it was wrong, and you convinced me that you were sorry for it. For that, I'll let it go. I'm not sure if Fujiko and the others would, though." She walked closer to the edge and looked back at him. "Don't expect to get my respect that quickly, though. You know, it took Keitaro-san many years to earn the respect he did from the girls at the Hinata House. Be patient, padowan. Oh, and a tip for encouragement."

"What?" Eiichiro was a bit puzzled by Rumiko's sentimentality.

"You know geeks are becoming more popular with the ladies these days."

"What?"

"Yep. Girls are becoming more enraptured by a geek's eccentricities, hence Keitaro-san's charm. Geeks are better lovers, too, because they actually appreciate a woman's body; geeks aren't used to such a thing like bishounen are. Statistics show."

Eiichiro was flustered; she had him at "woman's body". Then he remembered the library again.

If you get near a real girl, you're afraid to touch her because you haven't been through something like that before.

Something else hit him. "Wait! Are you insinuating that I'm a nerd?"

"Gee way to thank me for trying to uplift you. Why did I even bother talking to Mr. 'Hi-I'm-a-Ranting-Raving-Shinji-Ikari-Clone-who-Can't-even-Lift-a-Fire-Ant'? I'm outta here." She entered the house, leaving the landlord alone.

"DAMMIT! WHAT'S WITH YOU BROADS AND YOUR EVANGELION JOKES?" He stopped and cooled down. He began to speak to himself. "I'm such an idiot. I should've thanked her instead of putting on a bitching show. I have to say that I pretty much am a geek. That means I can use that handy piece of information against potential competition." He produced a white headband out of nowhere and tied it on the back of his head. On the front of it had a brilliant red circle symbolizing the rising sun, in between bright pink hearts. "YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, FOOLS! I'M GONNA WHOOP YOUR NEANDERTHAL ASSES TO THE ICE AGE!"

"Kishimoto!" a voice came from the house.

"Oh (bleep)!" He ran across the roof for his life.

The albino kid was watching the chaos from the front of the building, smiling. "Finally, after a year of silence, Love Hina has finally started again. It's about time something interesting happened."

End Chapter 1

Don't mind that dribble-drabble with Obi-Wan and Anakin. That's a tribute to my favorite U.S. cartoon of all time, Family Guy! Massive w00tness!

Now review and tell me what you think. Nothing original happened right now, but if your patient and you tune in, I promise I'll bring something truly unique. It'll just take some time and a few chapters of introducing the new characters and beating around the bush to do so, though. The question is should I continue?

If so, which character should I focus on next? This chapter already introduced Eiichiro.

I'm also planning on another fic in which Naru is a professional assassin who was doing a good job of hiding her underworld career from the others, but a cryptic message causes Naru to snap and go on a "witch hunt". It's going to be categorized as Parody/Suspense. O.O

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Author's Notes: 

Rumiko Takamine basically is a pun of Rumiko Takahashi, author of Inuyasha.

Fujiko Fujibayashi is also a pun because they both begin with "Fuji", similar to the name Haruhara Haruko of FLCL fame. Fujibayashi is a tribute to the character Sheena Fujibayashi form Tales of Symphonia, just about my favorite RPG out there.

Megumi Hamasaki is the fusion of the names Megumi Hayashibara and Ayumi Hamasaki, both J-Pop idols.

Eiichiro Kishimoto is the fusion of the names Eiichiro Oda, creator of One Piece, and Masashi Kishimoto, creator of Naruto, two wildly popular shounen manga.

GYRAX


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